Do you guys know how crazy people will do that thing where they sit on the floor and kind of hug themselves about the waist and rock themselves back and forth, back and forth, faster and faster, lips moving rapidly in an incoherent mumble, humming at turns, rocking harder, occasionally putting their hands over their ears as if trying to shut out a rapidly crumbling world?
Yeah, how many of you were like that during the fourth quarter yesterday? I thought so.
Who knew it was so comforting? Next time my boss walks in my office all, “Hey, here’s a major project and I need it ten minutes ago,” I will know exactly how to deal.
Here are some things you would have heard had you been at my sister Pens Fan’s house yesterday:
- I am so nervous I could just puke.
- Whoa, Faith Hill. Did you mainline the Botox this morning?
- Why is PittGirl rocking like that?
- NOW they decide to start calling holding.
- Hah. Look at that lady in the Cheetos commercial getting attacked by pigeons! Why is PittGirl rocking like that again? Is she CRYING?!
- This halftime show sucks. I’d rather see Janet Jackson’s boob.
- I’m sorry. Did Bruce Springsteen’s crotch just eat that camera?
- What do horses have to do with beer and why are giant beach balls in New York City going to make me want to take a cruise?
- Wow. Number 68 is HAWT. (This very sarcastically from Ta-Ta the Giant-Breasted Poobah)
- We’re going to lose the SUPER BOWL?! (this from my six-year-old nephew as he was close to tears and kind of holding himself about the waist while rocking back and forth)
Let’s talk football.
1. The fans. The fans! Did you see any Arizona fans?
Oh, wait. There’s one now.
Poor guy. Doesn’t he look lost? And like a giant loser?
Most times, I’m proud of Steelers fans, but sometimes they embarrass the shit out of me. Case in point:
The Terrible Bra? WTF? The Terrible Towel is sacred and we do not merely place the world Terrible in front of something and say it represents our devotion to the Steelers. Especially not something like a bra. What’s next? The Terrible Tampon?
Also, somewhere in the world, Skippy Skeeve is looking at that picture and noticing that the tassels are a-twirling and is saying, “Hawt!”
2. During the game, my virtual friend @CarmanAvenue texted me, “Why don’t the Steelers have cheerleaders?” to which I responded, “Why don’t fish walk? Because that’s what God intended.”
Speaking of cheerleaders:
She clearly wants to get it on with that bird. Something about the size of a bird’s beak being proportionate to … well, you figure it out.
3. Speaking of fans, Lukey Steelerstahl and Dan Onorato were on hand using campaign funds to promote Pittsburgh to the world.
I’m so proud.
4. Speaking of suck … weren’t we just discussing suck? I did not enjoy Bruce Springsteen’s half-time show except for that part where he did that thing. You know? That thing?
That part was awesome.
5. In the Trib, I predicted the game would be won 20-13 and that it would be won due to a turnover/gadget play or something unexpected. When I was interviewed, I really wanted to use the word “miraculous” instead of “unexpected” and now that James Harrison has run for a 100-yard touchdown, I wish I had.
When he landed in the end zone, after running through Cardinals and Cardinals and refs and Kurt Warner and fire and Cardinals and the very demons of hell, that’s when I said, “Okay, that is proof right there. God is a Steelers fan.”
Usually, when defensive players intercept and run the football for a great distance, they peter out after about 40 yards, at which point their giant legs become dead weight and they become sitting ducks for the pursuing thinner, faster players. That didn’t happen this time.
Because of God, Jesus, Troysus, and possibly the President of the United States of America.
And I’ll take some credit too, because I was screaming “RUN!” loud enough that the force of my breath in Pittsburgh probably put some wind at his back in Tampa.
6. Benny. BENNY!
You didn’t suck!
And that thing you said at the trophy podium? “Hey, offensive line, who’s laughing now?”
Adorable. Today, I love you.
Tomorrow, I can’t promise you anything.
Also:
Clearly, that needs a Separated at birth? caption. As does this:
7. There was a debate as to if Troysus was a factor in yesterday’s outcome. Some of us were all, “I can’t even be sure he was playing for the Steelers today” while others were all, “Troysus was doing exactly what he was told to do — stay between Kurt Warner and Larry Fitzgerald!”
I don’t know. But I do know his baby is cuter than a puppy hugging a kitten who is hugging a hamster who is eating a carrot all “nom nom nom.”
8. Hines wasn’t a huge factor after that first big catch he had, unless I missed something great he did while I was rocking and muttering and humming.
His sense of style did take quite a beating when he saw how fugly the Super Bowl hats were.
9. The best for last. Santonio Asshat Holmes, Super Bowl MVP.
And deservedly so. I realize many feel Benny should have had it, but the fact of the matter is that it was pure heroics on Santonio’s part to not only catch the ball but to also keep his toes inside the lines.
There was a good portion of the fourth quarter, probably starting with the touchback, that I began to fear we were going to lose. Benny seemed desperate trying to get out of the endzone, trying any play he could think of:
Then Larry Fitzgerald scored that touchdown.
That’s when the kids in the room started crying. No lie.
That’s when it got quiet in the room and you could actually hear the rocking of the bodies. (Also, because I am an expert lip reader, when Larry got to the sidelines after that play, one of his coaches was saying to him, “Your mom is up in heaven with God looking down … “ Something like that. Swear to God.)
That’s when Pens Fan lost her shit and started shouting at the lone Cards fan in the room, telling him he was uninvited to any future Super Bowl parties and that he could either zip it or take himself, his clapping, and his hooting and go in the other room.
It was as awesome as it sounds. She’s very pregnant, so she’s allowed to yell at people like that.
Then Benny found Santonio.
He made us forget his drunken arrest, his choking of his babymama, his giant freshly showered penis (ding!), his smoking weed in his car, and he allowed us to focus on a catch so beautiful that I’d buy him some weed right now if he asked me to.
I’m not the only one.
10. And just like that, we’re winners. They’re not. You can stop rocking now.
It was a great game. One I’ll never forget.
Now that we all rest comfortably in the knowledge that we won, we can say we wouldn’t have had it any other way than that nail-biting, rocking ourselves calm way it happened.
It’s a good day when you wake up with a happy hangover and a voice hoarse from screaming and a football team with six Lombardi trophies and a city that is going to throng the streets of the Burgh tomorrow.
I’ll be there.
Now, I must say goodbye to you guys again. But don’t worry. We’re like those soap opera supercouples that break up and get back together over and over again. Like Sonny and Carly. Like Luke and Laura. Like Bo and Hope. Like Beth and Lujack. Like Blair and Todd. Like Josh and Reva. Like Patch and Kayla. Frisco and Felicia. Eden and Cruz. We will find our way back to each other again.
Thanks to Woy for asking me to guest-post and thanks to you for finding me and for reading!
Here’s a little parting gift:
Also, if my departure is just too much for you to bear … well, start rocking.
What about Sonny and Brenda? Or Jax and Brenda for that matter? Lilly and…. Ive outed myself I think.
Awesome.
Just when I think I couldn’t love or miss you anymore, you just have to go there with a Beth and Lujack. Sigh.
I admit that I was sitting, rocking back and forth, holding my Towel in both hands and praying to Myron Cope after Arizona’s 4th quarter TD.
The Terrible Bra? Hideous!
…and scene…
Sonny and Carly actually survived a character change to reunite the actors, now that’s a supercouple. Brilliant as always PittGirl. Thanks for bringing a little bit of joy to our lives for a few more posts.
oh my fuck, that was the best super bowl wrap up a girl could ask for. the game was incredible and your post captured it perfectly.
although i now need to rock away my sadness at your leaving again. wiping my tears with my terrible towel…
My only comment is that Troysus and Theodora (the wife-us?) have matching hair. Paisios will probably join them, creating a Trifecta of Hair.
That’ll move the chains!
After I threw myself down and yelled “NOOO!” when Larry scored, my husband told me to knock it off. I told him to stop acting like he was my parent. “Well, you’re acting like a child.”
Beth and Lujack…ah, high school! Almost Paradise…
“There was a good portion of the fourth quarter, probably starting with the touchback, that I began to fear we were going to lose.”
Safety, not touchback.
God bless our city and our team! One of the most exciting games in forever. I wonder if our classless politicos snuck back into town wearing those fake nose/glasses things.
I had the same reaction as your 6 year-old nephew. I kept looking at my husband with tears in my eyes saying, “We’re going to lose the Super Bowl??? WE’RE GOING TO LOSE THE SUPER BOWL?????”
I loved the game! I LOVE your post!
I was also as exhausted as Harrison because I was yelling “RRRRRUUUNNNNNNNNN!!” the entire time!
Can you imagine standing off-field and feeling the thunder from that run? It could liquefy your brain! Or maybe a mixed drink.
Great post! Oh my how I miss your blogging. Find an excuse to come back soon!
I’m already rocking. Thanks for this week!
Classic!
Dear PittGirl,
You are the best ever. Thanks for making the Super Bowl even MORE super with your guest posts.
That is all.
P.S. I totally thought of you when the pigeon commercial came on and was all, “I sure hope she was out of the room getting a refill on her Zima during THAT one!”
Outstanding. We miss you PG!
“He made us forget his drunken arrest, his choking of his babymama, his giant freshly showered penis (ding!), his smoking weed in his car, and he allowed us to focus on a catch so beautiful that I’d buy him some weed right now if he asked me to.”
As an avid non-smoking-Stiller Fan, who’s fiance is a pot-head-Eagles Fan, I would totally score some and smoke with Santonio today! Amazing game and amazing post-game analysis… will there be a post-Parade wrap up too?!? Shall I now pray to Jesus, Troysus, and Obama?
ahhh….God love ya.
I was one of those people, rocking, hugging, mumbling and crying. I even slid from my seat a fell to my knees when that Fritzgerald made that touchdown. I just had to pray for one more miracle and God answered.
PG,
Thanks for this. I miss U. :-(
Great game!
Fun. I miss this… find an excuse to come back soon!
Fantastic post!! I’m surprised you didn’t mention the awesome Troysus commercial in the fourth quarter, though. “Hey, that’s mine!”, then the tackle, then Troysus ripping the shirt off the guy. Awesome take on the original commercial.
When it looked as if the Steelers might not win, the room I was in got very quiet, depressed, and angry. It’s a good thing we came from behind and won, otherwise I don’t know what would’ve happened!
Great game. Arizona put up a good fight, but in the words of the Asshat: “We wanted it more.”
I too offered to personally buy Santonio weed.
Your posts this past week have been hilarious and made my life feel whole again. We’ll miss you. Until next time…
That was the best post I have read about SB yet! I laughed so hard I cried…starting with the rocking and ending with the thought that I would also buy Santonio some weed lol!
Thanks!
LMAOF!! The last picture was kinda weird. xD
Anyway great post.
Oh thank you, thank you, thank you. I have been trying to convey your humor to my husband, but with no old posts to show him I was lost…but this masterpiece was just the thing. A Superbowl win and a Pitt Girl post – almost too good to be true!
I did the whole rocking thing but standing on my feet while holding my terrible towel (signed by Heath Miller!!) over my head – almost couldn’t stand it. Started to yell “Asshat did it! Asshat did it!!” while all the Cards fans around me just glared .. :)
I met the Terrible Bra chick on Friday- posted the photo at the PittGirl facebook page. I couldn’t believe it when I saw it- I think she had it on all weekend!
Great post- we’ll miss ya!
Pitt Girl, Thank you for the ride. It was as much fun as ever. I have missed your commentary on the state of human-kind, and the ‘Burgh.
Thanks again,
Gunn
The Ohio chapter of Steeler Nation is ablaze, especially the Findlay “Ben our home-boy” chapter.
Nice to have Pitt-girl back in action, if only briefly.
Thanks PittGirl!
We all love ya and miss ya!
Come back often! (Pretty please?)
It was a wonderfull week, reading your comments & musings! :-)
My husband claims that he’s one of the 1.5 million people who witnessed–at Forbes Field–Maz’ homer in ’60, and that #10′s catch on Sunday was more awesome!
We love you, PittGirl.
I <3 you PittGirl.
We’ll miss you (again) until you come back again.
Go Steelers!
Thanks for the PittGirl fix. All better now!
“it was pure heroics on Santonio’s part to not only catch the ball but to also keep his toes inside the lines.”
Cards got screwed. If you look real close at the replay, you can see that while his toes are inbounds, his third leg is clearly dragging out of bounds.
Speaking of the soap operas, Mrs. Daddy was watching “One Life to Live” when, at about 2:45, the feed mistakenly cut to the WTAE newsroom, where people were scrambling around a confused looking Michelle Wright.
“Uh-oh,” Mrs. Daddy said. “Something happened.”
In a mocking tone of voice I shouted “OHMIGOD! The Steelers plane just landed.”
I thought I was joking.
After about 10 seconds of that, the feed cut back to the soap until it went to commercial, and then cut back to the WTAE newsroom, where Wright breathlessly updated us on this shocking development: The Steelers plane just landed! And proceeded to spend the next 10-15 minutes of valuable airtime describing to us in great detail what we, remarkably, could see happening: A number of tired and wobbly looking men (and their children) ever so gingerly making their way down the staircase and wandering across the tarmac.
I don’t know what’s scarier: That 1) the local newsies think this is news, or that 2) Steelers fans think this is news. Of course, when it comes to the Steelers, the two factions are virtually indistinguishable. I look forward to the next month of 2, 4 and 11, these exemplary and dignified news organizations, frequently interrupting the programming to present us with more vitally important “breaking news” and competing to see who can kiss more Steelers ass. *sarcasm intended*
“Sonny and Carly actually survived a character change”
For the worse, IMHO, trading the lovely Sarah Brown for that horse-faced hag that plays Carly now.
But here’s why you gotta love the soaps: GH brings Sarah Brown back as a different character, so everybody has to pretend that she’s not Carly. Nobody can say anything like, “You know, you remind me a lot of somebody … has your hair always been black?” They have to play it straight, which must just be killing a guy like Tony Geary, who seems like he has a real sense of humor.
Tell you, Stephen King couldn’t get away with shit like that. (King once wrote about the “kid trick” on the soaps, where a 6-year-old on the show goes away for a couple weeks and comes back aged 20, and no one blinks an eye.)
A week or two ago it looked like Carly and “Carly” were going to have a catfight, and I said to Mrs. Daddy, “Know what would be cool? If they fell to the floor out of camera range and when they got back up, they’d switched characters.” But maybe that would be too science fiction even for the soaps.
The Cardinals fans were actually better represented at the game than I expected and while obviously not as well as the Steelers, they actually could be heard cheering during the fourth quarter.
Another great post. Although I haven’t seen any of the commercials yet, so I need to watch those online before I can get the references.
As for the game itself, a couple people sitting in my row actually got up and left after the long Fitzgerald td pass. My seat was next to the aisle and the guy standing (no one in the stadium was sitting) next to me told them that we wouldn’t let them back in the row when the Steelers came back. Imagine, though, trying to beat traffic at the Super Bowl when the score is still close.
As long as I’m ragging on the local newsies, might as well go all the way: I’m proud of the way they incited near-riots every time they turned on a camera Sunday night. Allison Morris is lucky she didn’t get gangbanged, though I bet she gave up grabassfuls of her ladyparts to a mob on East Carson. Somebody threw a terrible towel over her head on a live feed, and for just a second I thought she was going to get “Taken.” Seriously.
I know they’ve got to cover this “news,” but shouldn’t the safety of the reporters count for something? It was like watching those poor shmucks at the Weather Channel who have to chain themselves to trees in the middle of a hurricane so they can go live to say, “Look! It’s raining! And it’s kinda windy.”
So glad you came back for the SB. My family & I miss reading your blogs and were so excited to find out that you were back even if it was for a short time. You Rock and hope to hear from you again, sooner rather than later.
Until next,
6 TIME SUPER BOWL CHAMPIONS BABY!!!!!!!
Pit Girl!
You’re alive! And with a following. How cool is that? Miss you from the old Squirrel Hill Writers Group Days. Hope to see you at the next Sisters-in-Crime meeting in March.
What an excellent commentary on the big game. I, too, stood, rocking back and forth from one leg to another, terrible towel wrenched in one hand, twisted by the other saying, “No! No! No! This can’t be happening. Mommy make it stop!”
But thank God, who is a Steeler fan for sure, that we prevailed. I know, I say “we” like my toes hugged the edge of the field along with his. But if thoughts truly are actions like the Law of Attraction states, then I’d swear I was cleaning turf out of my toes nails.
Drop me a line Pitt Girl. Miss you.
Colette,
I’m sorry. I’ve never heard of the Squirrel Hill Writers Group and I promise you on my life that that’s the truth.
Just don’t want you mistakenly hounding someone else. Poor dear.
“Just don’t want you mistakenly hounding someone else. Poor dear.”
Thanks for being “nice” when all I did was praise your work.
One post a hounding?
I was told you were someone else. That’s my only crime. Geeze!
Whoops.
Colette, you misunderstood my comment, so I apologize.
I meant hounding your friend, as in asking her if she is PittGirl, and I said “poor dear” as in your poor friend. Because people that are mistakenly believed to be PittGirl tend to get bugged about it.
That was all.
apology accepted. Thank you.
I have to admit, I was not one of those people who were sitting and rocking back and forth like those around me, I had faith in my Steelers and knew that they would come back in the last 2 min like they had before. I just had that feeling that it was our year again and it will be again sometime in the future.
Best post, EVER! We miss you already!
HOLY CRAP. Sonni Abatta killed Puxatawny Phil and is wearing him to the Steelers Parade as a hat!
Pittgirl, how can you leave us hanging when this BEGS for your commentary!?
Thanks so much for this PittGirl!! Things definetly got a little misty in the 4th quarter.. particularly since I was surrounded by evil Redskins fans who were making fun of me and cheering for the Cards!! This makes it all worth it!
Also, don’t forget the Marlena-Roman-John triangle. They have had possessions, serial killers, and weird islands to contend with!! :)