PITTSBURGH, PA – A recent visitor to a local Pittsburgh area bathroom believed he had found a relic from Library of Alexandria which has been presumed lost for over 2,000 years.
John Theiss, a local theatrical stunt double and amateur archeologist, had gone in to “drop wolf bait” when he saw what he considered a “tome of profound knowledge.” After gingerly picking up the book and reading some of the text, he surmised that this was material that must have escaped before the visit of Caesar and subsequent mysterious destruction of the Library.
In sharing his initial impressions, Theiss said that “the knowledge in this codex has the potential to re-shape our understanding of the ancient world and the ability of its inhabitants to foretell the future.” He points in particular to a page that points to Noah’s Ark having a shuffleboard court nearly over 4,000 before it was thought the sport to be invented in Europe. “This is incredible! The revelation of how Noah and the Ark’s inhabitants passed their time. The measurements are exact: 25 cubits by 4 cubits.” When asked about his knowledge of cubit measurements, Theiss could only respond with two words: Bill Cosby.
Mr. Theiss goes on to say, “Another revelation in this compendium is that the Rosetta Stone is not wholly accurate. Think of what that means to the entire underpinnings of our language! The origin of centuries of war could perhaps be traced to this very draft copy. Or at least explain the speaking skills of our current president.”
After informing the homeowner of his discovery, Theiss went to the Carnegie Museum to share what he had found. We spoke with Dr. Richard Anderson, archeologist-in-residence at the museum to get his thoughts.
“When this layman Theiss first approached us speaking of Alexandria and having a profound discovery for the ages, we were genuinely excited,” Dr. Anderson said in his office which smelled of rich mahogany.
“After, oh, probably 30 seconds with him and his ‘ancient digest’ we quickly realized that the gentlemen was completely out of his f-ing mind.”
Dr. Anderson continues, barely containing his laughter, “I mean, didn’t he see the references to current and recent political and religious figures? Urinals? And anything out of Alexandria would be on a scroll of papyrus. A bound book with a barcode on the back? This guy makes Indiana Jones look like a Nobel Laureate.” When asked for his professional opinion of the book’s origin, he waves his hands and says, “Seriously. You need to get out of my office.”
When confronted with Dr. Anderson’s professional assessment, Theiss stands by his initial determination. “I believe that the Oracle of Delphi had visions that found their way into this book, hence the predictions and stories about the modern age. That Dr. at the museum doesn’t want the world to see something which will shake it’s very foundations.”
Mike Woycheck, the owner of the home in suburban Pittsburgh, shrugged at the notion of having such a world-changing book in his possession. “Huh? The book from my bathroom? I wondered if that guy had taken it. He said he was ‘on his way to a movie shoot nearby’ and needed to ‘drop trow’. Next thing I knew he said he made an incredible discovery and had to leave immediately. Truthfully I was scared to go in there after that.”
Mr. Woycheck subsequently revealed the origin of the book, “Friends of mine wrote that book and it’s outstanding. World changing? I guess readers would be the judge. Wait, the judge is dead. The deciders. The deciders? That’s it. The deciders.”
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This post is to serve as a tribute to my friends who have come out with a new book!
“Zombies Ate My Headlines” from the incredibly funny authors of the Carbolic Smoke Ball, is a compendium of fake news stories that have appeared on the same named website over the past few years. It’s now available directly on the Carbolic Smoke website. It’s also available from Amazon.com if you’re buying other stuff from there. I recommend going to them directly, though!
You can also go to an event at Joseph Beth booksellers on December 10th at 7pm where members of the Carbolic team will be there along with Rick Sebak and other local personalities!
Carbolic had been a fixture of the local Pittsburgh blogging scene for years and now is a national website. A great gift for a loved one who appreciates satire. Check it ‘aht today!
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